This is not a super popular blog. Those that find it are usually looking for information or commiserations on spiritual abuse. Some days I get only a few readers, others days hundreds. But early every Sunday, I get one. So, “Hello,” to you. Those of us who have been spiritually abused often worry or wonder if we are being stalked on our blogs or the comments we make on others blogs. I have wondered this about you, my early morning reader.
Are you checking to see what I have to say about you or your brother or your church this week? Will I slip up and use a name? Are you looking for ammunition to share with my former friends to prove to them that I deserve to be thrown out, vilified, ostracized, shunned?
I am so delighted each week to see that you have visited! I bask in knowing that I cause you such grave concern. Do you lose sleep over my blog? Do you worry that if the general population of the church read it they will wonder about the truth? Do you hope that I never write that book you always said I should – because it will most likely be about how you spiritually abused me?
Perhaps if you had only done the right thing from the beginning . . .
When Church Hurts 
Today I am meeting after the service with another lady and pastor to learn about the church I have been attending for 6 months. I am curious and interested about matters that matter to me. This summer I stated out loud as an affirmation to myself and my integrity that I will never attend a church that is all about men in authority and only mention a “Heavenly Father”. A church that is afraid to use the word “mother” in reference to God has power issues. All done with the baggage laying around in those sanctuaries.
How did your meeting go? I hope you are able to find what you are seeking in a church home. After years of visiting many churches and denominations, wrapped around years of spiritual abuse, we are not longer looking for a church to attend and have found that we are much more spiritually content and happy resting in our community of friends and family rather than always striving to fit in and be accepted in places that are only superficially accepting based on what they can get out of us. Keep me posted. I am always happy to hear when it works out for others.
I often have a sense that I do not belong in any church. Very carefully and somewhat fearfully, I am approaching this church option. Our conversation, yesterday, was 3 sided. I sensed respect and gentleness. Afterwards, the pastor told us that he enjoyed the conversation because he has been doing a lot of babysitting lately in the pastorate. I accepted that as a compliment, meaning it was an exchange that engaged his mind as well. The church has a lot of elderly people who are quite welcoming. I enjoy time spent with elderly people listening to stories of their lives. My God is much bigger, I am freer in thought, and my knowledge of what is going on in abusive churches is greater so that I will not come near them. This church passionately engages in activities to help the oppressed. We will meet again next Sunday to continue the dialogue. Thank you for your interest.
I have a blog under another name, its anonymous. I am aware that one of the abusers in my Christian life lands there, somehow she figured out my true identity. Comments are blocked on my site because of her and its her prerogative to start her own blog and say what she will say. I can only imagine the lies. However, my words are a testimony in which I’m going to exalt Christ and call out abuse. What she reads she will be accountable for and without the excuse “I didn’t know” in the day we all stand before the judgement throne of God. She chooses to not repent or own the lies and destruction and slander she perpetrated while calling herself the victim. But still I write about the work God is doing in my life with honesty and vulnerability.
While her motive for reading may be to cause me harm, the Truth will still be spoken and she will be exposed to it. My comfort about those in ministry that are heralded as good ole boys while hiding the bodies under their gospel bus for decades is that the day is coming when all that is hidden will be revealed and perfect justice will come. A family member that do horrific harm in her family with lies, manipulation using the scriptures to assault people and destroyed reputations is now bedridden in a dementia unit where she has lost all power to afflict. She has few visitors, and I feel pity for her for choosing the live her life the way she did. Those that seem so powerful and invincible will eventually be brought to nothing in the meantime may I be faithful to trust God has a day coming where he will wipe away all tears and man will afflict no more.
Thank you for commenting. There is one woman from my former church who follows my blog and I am certain that she has informed the leadership that it exists. She would only do this in an attempt to gain favor from them and further her own standing as a lay leader in the church. I also am aware that the senior pastor and his brother (also a pastor) go in to the church very early on Sunday mornings and so I am suspicious that one or both of them are keeping an eye on my posts.
I have even written blog posts asking the woman I mentioned above to please not follow my blog but she continues. This, after telling me that I was not to ever link anything on my blog to hers because she doesn’t want to be associated with any negativity toward the church. If that is true, why does she follow my blog?
Though the purpose of my blog is not to “bash” my former church, but to tell others my story so that they know that they are not alone and to encourage them to stand up to abuse, to walk away, and to find their own voice by telling their story, I do this by telling mine. Which, of course, probably sounds like “bashing” and negativity – how could it not? So, it would be reasonable to expect that this woman would stop following my blog if she doesn’t want to read the truth. But then there’s that ladder climbing that she is most interested in – so follow me and report to the leadership is a great way to accomplish that goal.
Keep me posted on how things are going for you!
As my comment is still awaiting moderation, I imagine it has to do with one particular word, “mother. While God is neither gender, I am trying to live in the world of patriarchy and really struggling. Please withdraw both of my comments because I realize that one word can open ‘pandora’s box’. Thank you for your ongoing courageous blog.
I apologize for not getting to comments earlier. I usually do not check the blog much except in the early morning – between work and family. Thank you so much for visiting, reading, and commenting.
i have considered writing a blog about the hurt I experienced in the church. The main reason I haven’t yet, is that there are still friends of mine there who would be targeted even worse than they already are as a result. So, I wait. But there are more and more leaving that place. Eventually I will be able to work through it in my writing. Eventually. I have faith that God is in control.
Ellen, just discovered your blog via a comment you left at A CRY FOR JUSTICE. I fear putting the link because at times I feel I am being ‘stalked’ … perhaps my former husband has figured out my “names”. It’s terrible when you have to be so careful because of spiritual, domestic and emotional abuse from spouse, family, professing Christians and fair-weather friends.
Mine is a long story and I can certainly relate to what you and commenters have written.
I’ve been without a church for many years. Keep trying to re-enter only to realize that I must conform to ‘the programs’ and not even hint that I am experiencing abuse or am considered too legalistic, etc.
It’s a lonely journey of rejection but my love for Christ will not waver and I will stand firm on defending the faith that Jude exhorts us to.
I covet prayers as I am in and out of the fog; still living ‘here’ and not sure how the Lord will provide the way of escape. I’m an older woman and my age and mild health ailments is making it difficult to re-enter the workforce.
Thank you and God’s blessing upon you for caring.