Who is Ellen?

The name “Ellen” means shining light, torch, the bright one, sun, moon, mercy, clear, chosen, and most beautiful woman.

Several years ago I was the victim of a most heinous form of abuse unlike anything I had ever thought possible. Not having been raised in a Christian home, my first experience with Christians and pastors had been one of joy, grace, fellowship, love, and delight. When faced with the horrors of having the very essence of who I was as a woman of faith stripped from me in what I can only describe as spiritual rape, I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. This was church, after all, and I believed that everything works together for good for those who love God. Somehow, it didn’t make sense that everything was not working together for good. When I was finally able to resign myself to the fact that God was not going to “work this out,” I made my escape and sought a safe haven.

Little did I realize that I was going from the proverbial frying pan into the fire. Oh, how I tried to beat back the flames! Oh, how I prayed and pleaded for mercy, for grace, for a chance. “But hate is strong and mocks the song of peace on earth, good will toward” Ellen.

He who began a good work . . . had forsaken me . . . and the silence was more than deafening . . . it was defeating. So intertwined were we, that as God went missing, so did Ellen. But I am nothing, if not tenacious.

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Comments
  1. Isabel Carr Smart says:

    Ellen, yet again you speak the same words as me and it is affirming to know that I am not exaggerating out of proportion. When I met with a group from the church hierarchy as a result of my Minister’s false accusations, I described feeling as if I had been gang raped. The next day I lay curled up on the floor screaming. Thankyou again for this ministry

  2. Tony says:

    Been there done that. God is shaking His church and calling out His bride to come out of the Babylonian System called church. I know what it is like to have your spirit raped and your character assassinated. But God is good and what I have now is good. You aren’t alone out there.

  3. Linda Lee says:

    Oh… oh! I am so thankful that I have found your blog.

    My dad was the pastor of a small nondenominational country church. He came so close to murdering my mother when I was 12, that for several horrible minutes I believed she was dead.

    My mother was, and still is, a devout church goer, whose favorite pastime seems to be pointing out the specks in other people’s eyes. She tried to gas me and my four younger siblings to death, along with herself, a few months after my dad almost killed her. She told me she had the right to kill us, because she had brought us into the world. This was only the beginning of my mother’s sociopathic abuses.

    I lost my faith as a teenager, after stupidly getting involved with a classmate’s Ouija Board and séances at the age of fourteen. (This actually led to me having a mental breakdown, from which I recovered when I was sixteen.) I came back to the church when I was in my twenties and going through the trauma of an abusive marriage and divorce. I got a job with a mega TV ministry and worked there for several years – an experience which directly led to me losing my faith again! But I came back to believing in Christ in 2003, a few weeks before my 50th birthday.

    Today, at the age of 62, I still have more questions than answers. Yet I continue to believe in and to follow Christ Jesus, because the preponderance of the evidence in my life compels me to believe. Most of all, the Lord’s great, awesome, overwhelming love for me – faults, doubts, horrible sins and all – compels me to believe.

    Ellen, I clicked on your Gravatar profile and found the following three paragraphs, in addition to the ones you have written above. What you said in these last three paragraphs of your profile is especially beautiful:

    “For more than a decade, I fought to find God – for it is only in finding God that I would find myself. I was so sure that if I just said the right words, did the right things, waited long enough, endured enough, gave enough, got the right kind of help (eventually turning to a counselor), I might win my way back into God’s good graces. In reality, I was hoping that God would change other people’s minds and hearts – that the lion would lie down with this little lamb – that the shepherd would come rescue this battered little sheep.

    Instead, I learned how to listen to that Still Small Voice – in quietness. And to let Him convince me of who I am – a precious child of the Most High God. And I became confident that nothing can separate me from His love.

    It has been from this place that I have been able to distinguish the Voice of God from the voices that would tear me apart. And it is from this place that I am writing this blog – so that those who need to hear the truth of who they are may find it here.”

    Thank you for this blog!

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