On Being a Lush

Posted: June 26, 2015 in Uncategorized, When Church Hurts
Tags: , , , , , ,


After two summers of beating back drought, watering constantly with the hope that my flower-laden yard would just hang on, this year, we are praying for the rain to abate for a few days.  Yet, as I look out my kitchen window and see the lushness of what the rain has coaxed out of what used to be struggling-to-survive flowers, shrubs, and trees, I am reminded of the lushness in my soul.

After over a decade of drought – of daily tears, barely hanging on to faith and hope – struggling to survive, begging for an end to the judgment and condemnation that seared my heart, the day finally came when the skies opened up and rained down freedom from the tyranny of spiritual abuse on my weary soul.  Today, my whole being thrives – my heart, soul, mind, and body.  

I am convinced that during those years of spirtual abuse, the spiritual impairment was instrumental in physical maladies that manifested in my body – arthritis, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, weight gain.  And though I still suffer from these physical side-effects of spiritual abuse, I am experiencing incredible improvements.  My blood pressure is running in the 100/60 range; blood sugar averages 96; arthritis pain (I have extreme joint damage in my right hand from osteoarthritis) is less than it has been in many years, and my weight is down 13 pounds.  

I no longer live with the daily stress of wondering what I did to deserve the judgment and ostracism and when more will come my way.  I no longer weep on a daily basis from the pain of being convinced that neither God nor the church (leadership) found me acceptable.  In fact, I smile and shake my head in wonderment that were they to have had the chance, I would still be living under such tyranny.  I smile and shake my head when I think about how they could never be honest and tell me what I did to “deserve” it – because I didn’t deserve it.  For them to be honest, to tell me the truth, would require that they admit that they were wrong.  That what they did was completely against what they claim to believe.  That these “works” of their “faith” indicate that their “faith” is tenuous, at best.

For while I am aware that none of us are perfect, I am also convinced that, as Christians, when we recognize that we have behaved grievously, we should be quick to make amends – to confess our sin not only to God, but to the one we have wronged (which is akin to confessing to God, isn’t it, since the Holy Spirit dwells within us?).  For years, I apologized profusely – even after we were tossed out of the church.  I have no disquiet in my being that I have not done all that I can to remedy any wrongs I have committed.  Yet not one attempt has been made on the part of anyone in the church to approach me with any level of remorse.  

I say this not to express grievance toward them, but rather, pity.  Compassion, I think, is a byproduct of healing, and I sense a high level of compassion for those who abused me.  Lush.  Full.  Abounding.  Like my yard.

  1. am says:

    I ‘m at a place where I’m finding peace. This is the first time I find myself happy in a long time. I’m thanking God that he is healing my heart and he is working on me everyday
    . I still love the people from this church even if no one else feels the same about me.Sometime
    s I see the pastors and we acknowledge each other, but I have to move on and I wish them blessings happiness and success.

  2. Ken Garrett says:

    Thank you!

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